Friday, February 19, 2010
How not to be a bad-ass
Whine about getting assaulted by Mitt Romney.
But what if you wanted to be a bad-ass?
Apparently, you could be try to be more like Mitt Romney.
But what if you wanted to be a bad-ass?
Apparently, you could be try to be more like Mitt Romney.
Typical city, typical problems...
You know, Atlanta's just like any other major city, as far as what we have to deal with. Crime, infrastructure, runaway zebras...
...
...what, don't other cities have to deal with runaway zebras?
Of course, the real question is: "Have those fools from PETA taken advantage of this opportunity to add their own little dash of stupid to this story?"
Why, yes. Yes, they have.
So, all is right with the world again.
...
...what, don't other cities have to deal with runaway zebras?
Of course, the real question is: "Have those fools from PETA taken advantage of this opportunity to add their own little dash of stupid to this story?"
Why, yes. Yes, they have.
So, all is right with the world again.
Monday, February 15, 2010
When petty nationalism just isn't enough
At some point during the Olympics, you may feel compelled to root for some other country's athletes besides your own. And you may ask yourself, does this make me a bad American?
Generally, yes. Yes it does. In movies where humans fight aliens, you root for the humans, and in sporting events where Americans play not-Americans, you root for the Americans.
In limited circumstances, however, it may be acceptable to root for another country's athletes to take the gold. When considering whether or not you can root for another country's athelete, the following guidelines should apply.
1. The U.S. should either not be a legitimate contender for a medal (this usually applies in events like the biathalon), or you should be able to state a case for how the U.S. contender is a complete douchebag. (This frequently, although not always, applies to Bode Miller, a sizeable chunk of the U.S. Men's Hockey team, and usually at least one figure skater.)
2. The country you root for should not be a dictatorship. (No China, no North Korea, unless the North Korean wins the gold and immediately defects. That would rule.)
3. The country should not be a pretend democracy. (No Russia)
4. The athlete in question should not be a douche himself. (That Australian moguls skier who founded a spam internet company. I don't think too many Australians would mind if he found his way onto the opening credits of Wide World of Sports.
5. It is always acceptable to root for athletes who make up their nation's Olympic team all by themselves, such as Jamaican skiier Errol Kerr. If there is ever going to be another Miracle on Ice story, it's not going to star an American as the plucky underdogs.
6. It is never acceptable to root for the French.
7. OK, if the athlete in question is really hot, maybe that's OK.
Enjoy the Olympics, and God Bless America.
And sometimes Canada.
Generally, yes. Yes it does. In movies where humans fight aliens, you root for the humans, and in sporting events where Americans play not-Americans, you root for the Americans.
In limited circumstances, however, it may be acceptable to root for another country's athletes to take the gold. When considering whether or not you can root for another country's athelete, the following guidelines should apply.
1. The U.S. should either not be a legitimate contender for a medal (this usually applies in events like the biathalon), or you should be able to state a case for how the U.S. contender is a complete douchebag. (This frequently, although not always, applies to Bode Miller, a sizeable chunk of the U.S. Men's Hockey team, and usually at least one figure skater.)
2. The country you root for should not be a dictatorship. (No China, no North Korea, unless the North Korean wins the gold and immediately defects. That would rule.)
3. The country should not be a pretend democracy. (No Russia)
4. The athlete in question should not be a douche himself. (That Australian moguls skier who founded a spam internet company. I don't think too many Australians would mind if he found his way onto the opening credits of Wide World of Sports.
5. It is always acceptable to root for athletes who make up their nation's Olympic team all by themselves, such as Jamaican skiier Errol Kerr. If there is ever going to be another Miracle on Ice story, it's not going to star an American as the plucky underdogs.
6. It is never acceptable to root for the French.
7. OK, if the athlete in question is really hot, maybe that's OK.
Enjoy the Olympics, and God Bless America.
And sometimes Canada.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sarah Palin is to writing on the hand in 2010...
...what Jim McMahon was to headbands in 1985.
Or, at least, she could be. My advice to her is to write something on her hand at every public appearance between now and summer. Never refer to it, just let somebody focus the camera on her hand, only to see "Your ad here."
Or, at least, she could be. My advice to her is to write something on her hand at every public appearance between now and summer. Never refer to it, just let somebody focus the camera on her hand, only to see "Your ad here."
