Crosblog

Finding inspiration...

2010-07-17T22:52:00.002-04:00

You know what I needed to get me to write another blog post?

If you said "another crazy wife/car keys" story - take a bow!

For those not familiar, my wife and the keys to her truck are a long running source of comedy those not tasked with finding them after she "loses" them, by which I mean everyone but me.

So, spouse heads out to go grocery shopping. Your hero (that's me), is preparing everyone's hero (that's Xander) for bed when the phone rings. Caller ID says it's Publix.

"Honey...I locked my keys in the truck."

Good news? Publix isn't that far away. Bad news - she not only has her keys to the truck, she also has my keys, which means nobody's getting in the truck. Still, she can't walk home, right? I'm at least 53% sure she shouldn't walk home. So Xander (in his pajamas) and me are off to rescue the crazy redhead.

I pull into Publix to see her waiting by the truck. Since we can't take the truck home (remember, she has my keys as well), we have to load the groceries into my car. She's sure she locked her keys in the truck, so there isn't any other choice, right? I move one, count 'em one, bag. What do I see?

So, the spouse continues to lose her keys without, you know, actually losing her keys, but there is one silver lining.

Xander found the whole side trip (and delayed bedtime) enormously entertaining.

Politics in the South - How do the rest of y'all entertain yourselves?

2010-06-15T21:18:00.002-04:00

Here in Georgia, primary season has only just started. I saw a commercial where former Governor Roy Barnes is trying to win his job back by ensuring us that the State has tons of money to spend or something, which is really cool since I'm a government worker who's losing four days pay due to budget crunch-related furloughs. (Of course, I'm not a state employee. If I was, I'd be looking at more like twelve unpaid days off.) But if you belong to a special interest group that Roy really, really needs, we got the dough.

My point? If the only other candidate running has as his key platform plank - "Will go door to door and jab every voter in the eye with a fork," I'm not voting for Roy Barnes.

So, until stuff heats up around here, we have South Carolina. On the Republican side, the leading candidate for governor happens to be a female of Indian descent. Fringe actors trying to derail her campaign used allegations of marital infidelity and religious and racist slurs against her. Following this racist and sexist assault, said candidate saw her lead widen, and is now the prohibitive favorite to capture both the GOP nomination and the Governor's mansion. This is all supposed to establish what racists we all are down here.

Got it. (See - if you voted against Haley, you obviously did so because you're a racist or a misogynist or something. But if you voted for Haley, well, she was endorsed by Sarah Palin. Need I say more?)

Meanwhile, on the other side, the Democrats have nominated for Senate this guy who...well...we're not sure about the whole porn thing...he...let's see...

...he's a Republican plant! Which is of course ridiculous. Jim Demint was winning this election hands down whether the nominee was Alvin Greene or that guy who tried to win but lost to someone literally nobody has ever heard of and should totally be laughed out of the entire state of South Carolina if it turns out he spent all this time coming up with a political platform that couldn't prevail over "the other guy's name came first" or "has the same name as a moderately famous guy." Seriously, if anything comes out of this whole South Carolina thing, it should be that Vic Rawl becomes the Mulkey brothers of politics.

Besides, does anybody think the GOP would cheat that ridiculously in an election they were certain to win?

I mean, again?

If I were inclined to support conspiracy theories...

2010-06-06T17:06:00.002-04:00

I would say that this whole "flotilla" thing was something rigged up by Turkey's leaders to provoke a break from Israel. Turkish PM Erdogan seems to be striving to assert a leadership role in the Muslim world, a role that Turkey would appear to be a natural for, with maybe on thing standing in the way, that being Turkey's very strong, very solid ties to Israel.

So, what does Erdogan do? He can't just up and make a statement about how Turkey no longer thinks Israel is a real country. He's the prime minister of Turkey, not dean of the White House Press Corps. What he needs is a Maine, as in "Remember the..." Remember the Mavi Mamara doesn't roll off the tongue the same way, but maybe it sounds better in Turkish, and Erdogan now has the reason to cut ties that hadn't been all that popular in Turkey anyway.

Of course, the fact that it's a set-up doesn't help much if Israel allows itself to get set up. That being said, they basically had two options - stop the ships, or let the blockade fall, because simply letting the ships through this time would justify everyone else, and as the point has been made, it's not like these folks were particularly good impressions of "peaceful activists."

That being said, there's a "quit while you're ahead" mentality, that Israel's enemies might not be getting. Right now, you can, if you want, pretend that the blockade runners were peaceful activists simply moved by the plight of Gazans to try and bring humaitarian aid victimized by the big bad Israelis. But when the Iranian navy starts offering to help, then everybody might just figure out what's really going on here.

OK, almost everybody.

Guy playing with action figures + youtube = awesome

2010-05-29T12:26:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I don't get the math either, but you can't argue with results.

Maine: Your next big vacation destination.

2010-05-24T16:30:00.002-04:00

Did you know it was legal for women to go topless in Maine? Yeah, me neither. But apparently, not only is it legal, but there was a protest aimed at making topless women in public socially acceptable.

Quote of the day comes from the protest's organizer, in relation to what were probably just supporters documenting the occasion for posterity.

Simoneau, for one, had no regrets. She encouraged other women to take up the cause. And she said she wasn't going to let camera-toting men ruin her day, either.

"Unfortunately, there's no way to deal with people taking pictures for prurient interest, but I feel the best way to deal with that is to just ignore it," she said.

OK, obviously her keeping her top on would prevent people from taking pictures for prurient interest. You know that. I know that. These folks don't know that.

And I say there's really no reason to tell them.

The question is: "How can we out-dipshit ourselves?"

2010-05-22T23:13:00.003-04:00

The questioners: The band of happy little closet dwellers at the Westboro Baptist Church.

The Answer: Protest the funeral of Ronnie James Dio.

They accuse Dio of worshipping the devil. You know, if it doesn't violate the First Amendment for them to protest the funeral, it probably wouldn't violate the First Amendment to stand right next to them and play Dio songs. Really, really loud Dio songs.

Like this one.

Wait, what now?

2010-05-21T10:05:00.004-04:00

California taxes cause Captain America to flee to Europe.

Apparently the Captain America movie will be shot in London, because London is offering bigger tax breaks than California. Captain America, of course, being a good capitalist, is all over that. Besides, as a WWII vet, I'm sure Cap has a soft spot for the Brits.

We could try to reciprocate and swipe one of their heroes, but I don't think a Captain Britain movie is likely to be as big a box-office hit.

Does this sound dirty to anyone else, or is it just me?

2010-05-07T15:14:00.001-04:00

Robots position giant box over oil-spewing well.

It may be a throwaway pro wrestling post, but two posts in one day is still good, right?

2010-05-05T23:08:00.002-04:00

WWE fan arrested for threatening to blow up the WWE's headquarters. His reason? He was allegedly upset over the release of diva Mickie James.

Mickie James is now coming out with a country music CD. Country music is very popular with the kind of people who attend Tea Parties.

Note to MSNBC - You're welcome.

I think this makes me MC Skat Kat

2010-05-05T22:28:00.002-04:00

Dawn Summers has a post about the improbability of "opposites attract" relationships working out. As she says:

It’s not just about politics either. If someone is truly your anti-you. They are AGAINST YOU! Take that in!

I presume responding in a post on my own blog rather than commenting on Dawn's is an "anti-Dawn" kind of thing to do, to which I can only say - here's a picture of Xander playing with poker chips.

Now, if one is talking about "anti-you" or "opposite," it depends on what you're talking about. If you're http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judge_Dredd and the opposite you're thinking about is Judge Death, yeah, you probably have a serious compatibility problem. Especially when Judge Death, in between bouts of trying to kill you, keeps gloating about not having to be in that crappy-ass movie. (Seriously, Rob Schnieder?) But Superman and Batman are opposites too, in powers, methods, and general outlook on life, and they actually work well together. (I have to switch from Judge Dredd to the Justice League because I don't know enough about the Judge Dredd comic books to come up with good analogies. I mean, come on, you think I'm some kind of geek?)

...

...

Don't answer that.

I've posted before about having married someone who wouldn't vote for me, in posts I can't find and am too lazy to search for. On one hand, you can think we're "opposites," because each of us believes in things the other is sure would doom us as a nation. To recap, she really, really wanted to vote for John Edwards. (Serious question for anyone who ever supported Edwards. How did that guy not redline your douchebag detector the moment he opened his mouth?) That we are too far opposite each other is certainly one way of looking at it. The other way is that you actually have a shared interest in politics, current events, and your different views actually help keep a conversation going. I, for one, always felt sorry for people who agreed too much. I mean, what exactly do they talk about?

Liberal husband: Boy, that Sarah Palin sure is dumb.

Liberal wife: Yep. Dumb as a brick.

Liberal husband: Couldn't agree more.

(Long pause)

Liberal husband: Wouldn't kick her out of bed, though.

And cut to the police car arriving.

My point, though, is that while obviously an enemy isn't someone you can really connect with, the thing that people forget is someone who's interested in the same things you are, but approaches them from a different view, isn't really an enemy.

At least, they didn't use to be.

I feel better already...

2010-04-13T23:05:00.005-04:00

I know I haven't been blogging much, and I honestly don't know if this post means I'm going to be posting regularly again. I do have an excuse, though. You know, little guy, silly, working on coordination issues, kind of looks like me?

Guess again.

That's the guy.

Anyways, the other reason I haven't been posting is I'm not always sure what it is I want to say on things anymore. Truth is, I don't have an opinion on the health care reform whatthehelleveritis. I haven't read it, and unless someone wants to tell me that Congress planned for this to happen, I'm in fairly elite company. What I do have are opinions on the people who passed it. For instance, my Congressman, David Scott, is an ardent supporter of the recently passed bill. David Scott was also named one of the most corrupt members of Congress as recently as 2007. (Although in Scott's defense, he is not on the current list. Whether that's because of an improvement in his behavior or a deterioration in somebody else's is not immediately apparent.)

Which brings me to an ancillary point. When Republicans get more crap over sex scandals than Democrats, the claim is made that this is fair because Republicans trumpet "family values" as a key plank, which means that David Vitter's shenanigans are a far greater betrayal than, say, Eliot Spitzer's. OK, fair enough. But applying the same argument, the party that wants to get the government more involved has a higher obligation to keep their noses clean. Put another way, a party that brought their own pitchforks and torches to the doors of Charlie Rangel and Christopher Dodd years ago could tell me to put my faith in the government. A party that tells me to trust the government, but trusts these assclowns to run it, is basically David Vitter paying for erotic massages, only they're using my money, and there's no happy ending.

Oh, and I think David Vitter should be run out of the Senate on a rail. Even though he'd probably enjoy it.

Wrestlemania XXVI Preview!

2010-03-25T21:34:00.002-04:00

It's time for the Granddaddy of Sports Entertainment - Wrestlemania XXVI! The answers to the vital questions nobody demanded -

CM Punk vs. Rey Misterio - If Punk wins, Misterio must join the Straight Edge Society
Who Should Win: I don't see much entertainment value in Rey joining the SES, but Punk's Jerry Falwell meets Trent Reznor act is one of the best things the WWE has going for it, and he should get the big win here.
Who Will Win: Punk
Will it Suck? The inevitable outside interference will detract a bit, but this match will rock.

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes
Who Should Win: If DiBiase or Rhodes is ever going to be a singles star, now is the time. I think DiBiase has the bigger upside.
Who Will Win: I'm guessing they swerve us and give it to Cody Rhodes.
Will it Suck? It will be fine. The fact that they forgot to create any issue between DiBiase and Rhodes will detract a bit.

Triple H vs. Sheamus
Who Should Win: The only reason to put this on the card is for Trips to make Sheamus a star by putting him over huge.
Who Will Win: Sheamus, but not as impressively as he needs to.
Will it Suck? Kind of.

Unified Tag Team Championship Match - Big Show & The Miz (c) vs. R-Truth and John Morrison
Who Should Win: The champs should win, because they are awesome.
Who Will Win: ShowMiz.
Will it Suck? This will not suck.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. Christian vs. Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne vs. MVP.
Who Should Win: All together now - Shelton. Freaking. Benjamin! Kane would also be acceptable to me.
Who Will Win: Odds-on favorite is Christian, but I'll call an upset and say MVP.
Will it Suck? This will be crazy spotty goodness - the main question being who will pull off the batshit-craziest spot of the match - Bourne, Benjamin, or Kingston?

World Heavyweight Championship - Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge
Who Should Win: There are no wrong answers here. I think faces will take the other main events, so I'll say Jericho.
Who Will Win: Jericho, for the reasons stated above.
Will it Suck? Two Canadians fighting for a World Title? This should be very very good.

WWE Championship - Batista (c) vs. John Cena
Who Should Win: Cena.
Who Will Win: Cena.
Will it Suck? No.

Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon
Who Should Win: Hart.
Who Will Win: Hart.
Will it Suck? The 64 year old non-wrestler vs. the guy in his fifties who hasn't had a match in a decade because he's medically incapable of bumping? Yeah, this will suck, but the satisfaction in watching Hart finally kick Vince's ass will count for something.

Career vs. Streak - Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker.
Who Should Win: An old hand and already made guy like Michaels shouldn't be the one to end The Streak.
Who Will Win: Plus, he presumably wants to spend more time with his family.
Will it Suck? If your yardstick is whether or not it can top last year's classic, it probably won't live up to that, but slightly less awesome than one of the best matches of all time is still pretty frickin' sweet.

There may also be a Divas thingamabob shoehorned in somewhere that will suck, but won't take up enough time to be offensive, and something involving the NXT rookies, probably on a pre-show, that will most likely involve Daniel Bryan losing again, cause hey, that's apparently what he does nowadays.

Nine matches scheduled, and only the Triple H-Sheamus and Hart-McMahon matches don't inspire much confidence. But even with those, Trips can make a star if he's willing to dedicate himself to it, and watching Vince McMahon give up to the Sharpshooter will put a smile on everyone's face.

No one is more awesome than Ozzie Guillen

2010-03-15T11:04:00.003-04:00

Sean Penn was in the news recently for continuing to defend Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, even suggesting that people who call him a dictator should go to jail.

In response, Chicago White Sox manager/Lunatic/Guy Who's Actually From Venezuela Ozzie Guillen has referred to Penn as a "clown" and a "stupid leftist," and says his support of Chavez is easy when you don't have to live there and have money. To which I might add "and think nationalizing foreign businesses and closing down independent media is perfectly acceptable behavior."

Meanwhile, Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire was quoted as saying "You know who's really neat? Kim Jong Il." (Note - don't have source for this quote yet, but it just feels right.)

Tip - Instapundit.

Somehow, this doesn't seem like such a big surprise...

2010-03-01T21:16:00.002-05:00

Robert Pattinson has man-crush on Zac Efron.

Dawn Summers, the gauntlet has been thrown. The glitterly, poorly acted gauntlet.

How not to be a bad-ass

2010-02-19T23:03:00.001-05:00

Whine about getting assaulted by Mitt Romney.

But what if you wanted to be a bad-ass?

Apparently, you could be try to be more like Mitt Romney.

Typical city, typical problems...

2010-02-19T18:13:00.003-05:00

You know, Atlanta's just like any other major city, as far as what we have to deal with. Crime, infrastructure, runaway zebras...

...

...what, don't other cities have to deal with runaway zebras?

Of course, the real question is: "Have those fools from PETA taken advantage of this opportunity to add their own little dash of stupid to this story?"

Why, yes. Yes, they have.

So, all is right with the world again.

When petty nationalism just isn't enough

2010-02-15T20:14:00.003-05:00

At some point during the Olympics, you may feel compelled to root for some other country's athletes besides your own. And you may ask yourself, does this make me a bad American?

Generally, yes. Yes it does. In movies where humans fight aliens, you root for the humans, and in sporting events where Americans play not-Americans, you root for the Americans.

In limited circumstances, however, it may be acceptable to root for another country's athletes to take the gold. When considering whether or not you can root for another country's athelete, the following guidelines should apply.

1. The U.S. should either not be a legitimate contender for a medal (this usually applies in events like the biathalon), or you should be able to state a case for how the U.S. contender is a complete douchebag. (This frequently, although not always, applies to Bode Miller, a sizeable chunk of the U.S. Men's Hockey team, and usually at least one figure skater.)

2. The country you root for should not be a dictatorship. (No China, no North Korea, unless the North Korean wins the gold and immediately defects. That would rule.)

3. The country should not be a pretend democracy. (No Russia)

4. The athlete in question should not be a douche himself. (That Australian moguls skier who founded a spam internet company. I don't think too many Australians would mind if he found his way onto the opening credits of Wide World of Sports.

5. It is always acceptable to root for athletes who make up their nation's Olympic team all by themselves, such as Jamaican skiier Errol Kerr. If there is ever going to be another Miracle on Ice story, it's not going to star an American as the plucky underdogs.

6. It is never acceptable to root for the French.

7. OK, if the athlete in question is really hot, maybe that's OK.

Enjoy the Olympics, and God Bless America.

And sometimes Canada.

Sarah Palin is to writing on the hand in 2010...

2010-02-12T09:16:00.003-05:00

...what Jim McMahon was to headbands in 1985.

Or, at least, she could be. My advice to her is to write something on her hand at every public appearance between now and summer. Never refer to it, just let somebody focus the camera on her hand, only to see "Your ad here."

Royal Rumble Predictions

2010-01-30T20:56:00.002-05:00

Because life isn't worth living if I'm not incorrectly predicting predetermined events...

Women's Championship Match - Michelle McCool (C) vs. Mickie James
Who Should Win: After weeks of getting humiliated by McCool and friends, James is done if she doesn't take the title here.
Who Will Win: James
Will It Suck? While the buildup to this match has involved the most God-awful interviews professional wrestling has ever seen, McCool and James are actually pretty good wrestlers, so this shouldn't suck. But seriously, anyone who signs off on letting Michelle McCool within 100 yards of a live mic has no business writing a grocery list, let alone a television show.

ECW Title Match - Christian (C) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Who Should Win: Christian. Jackson needs to prove he can handle a big match first.
Who Will Win: Christian. I assume this is Jackson's opportunity, and if he delivers, he could win the title later.
Will It Suck? No idea. Never seen Jackson in a singles match of any consequence, so maybe, but Christian should keep it watchable.

WWE Title Match - Sheamus (C) vs. Randy Orton
Who Should Win: I think Sheamus actually pinning Orton might actually push him over the top, and cement him as a main eventer.
Who Will Win: Orton
Will It Suck? No.

World Title Match - Undertaker (C) vs. Rey Misterio
Who Should Win: Taker.
Who Will Win: Taker.
Will It Suck? Not even a little bit.

30 Man Royal Rumble Match
Who Should Win: If they're hell-bent on doing Shawn Michaels-Undertaker II at Wrestlemania, then Michaels should win to make that match the main event.
Who Will Win: Michaels, last eliminating Triple H.
Will It Suck? No.

The Diesel Award - Given to the entrant who tosses the most wrestlers. I'd like to see Kane toss a bunch of people and become the all-time eliminations champ, but I think maybe Ted DiBiase will do something special to set up his eventual face turn.

The Backlund Award - Given to the man who lasts the longest. Since I think Michaels winning is a foregone conclusion, making him go 50+ minutes might be the only way to add drama to the event. If it's not Michaels, see Ted DiBiase, above, or CM Punk going an hour to show everyone how Straight Edge can work for you.

This post dedicated to Dawn Summers

2010-01-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

Cracked: Everyone at the hospital already hates Wes Welker.

I'm still not 100% sure this movie is actually happening..

2010-01-10T22:39:00.002-05:00

But apparently John Malkovich will be playing the Vulture in Spider-Man 4.

Of course, after having both Venom and Sandman in 3, Vulture is kind of a drop-off. Does Dylan Baker finally become the Lizard?

Wow...

2010-01-10T14:22:00.002-05:00

John Edwards really is a tool.

It was fun reading about Edwards desperately trying to trade his endorsement for Obama's #2 spot. Fun, because he publicly claimed he had no interest in the Veep spot.

I'll admit - I never took a serious look at Edwards' policy positions or anything like that in deciding that I would sooner vote for Jimmy Fallon for President. I just looked and listened to the guy and thought - "What a douchebag. There is no way I'm voting for him."

Which, apparently, was the exactly correct thing to do.

Best...er, OK...favorite movies of the decade

2010-01-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

I suppose everyone has to do some kind of decade retrospective, and ranking movies has the advantage of being easy to do, especially with the aid of my Flickchart rankings to help remind me what I've seen, and what sucked. A few movies were highly ranked enough to embarrass even someone of my lowbrow tastes, so this isn't in order or anything, but the following twenty movies are probably my favorites of the past decade.

Tip of the hat to Dov's list, which has several movies that I would definitely see if I were a lot more cultured than I am (although, I should note - that given that I like professional wrestling, I think I'm a lot more cultured than people would have any right to expect) and Dawn Summers, who I could easily go to the movies with without getting into a fight. (At least, we probably wouldn't fight about the movie.)

In alphabetical order.

1. Barbershop - One of the best experiences I've ever had in a movie theater was seeing this.
2. Batman Begins - The other one was a better movie, but this was an amazing reboot driven by Christian Bale far surpassing every other Batman performance ever done.
3. Borat - This was stupid and offensive. I haven't laughed so hard in years.
4. Casino Royale - Another great reboot. Daniel Craig is an awesome Bond: The Early Years.
5. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe - Yeah, I'm probably the only person who's going to put this on a "Best of the Decade" list - but I'd been looking forward to this movie for literally a couple of decades, and it held up despite my expectations.
6. The Dark Knight - Just a great movie. I still think it was a half hour too long and should have left options for Two-Face, but still a great movie.
7. Grindhouse - Bar none - the most fun I've ever had watching a movie in the theater.
8. The Incredibles - It's amazing how Pixar can do no wrong.
9. Iron Man - Did "Fun and over the top" just as well as Dark Knight did "creepy and disturbing.
10. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - I couldn't stand these books, so kudos to Peter Jackson for making the movies accessible enough to people who couldn't get through the source material.
11. Moulin Rouge - I like musicals. This was a good one.
12. The Notebook - I hate chick flicks. I loved this movie. That has to count for something.
13. Pan's Labyrinth - Best movie with subtitles I've seen...probably ever.
14. Pirates of the Caribeean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - This series got kind of stupid towards the end, but the start was outstanding.
15. Sin City - Another great experience watching this in the theaters.
16. Shoot 'em Up - Best. Stupid. Movie. Ever. The fact that you could have a debate about "Which was the best time a guy got killed with a carrot?" is enough to put this movie on the list.
17. Slumdog Millionaire - Token art film makes its appearance.
18. Spider-Man 2 - With all due respect to Iron Man and the Dark Knight, I still think this might be the best superhero movie ever.
19. Team America: World Police (2004) - "Matt. Damon."
20. The Wrestler - Let us all thank Mickey Rourke for spending years turning himself into a self-destructive wreck - enabling him to deliver one of the great performances of our time as self-destructive wreck Randy the Ram.

What to say?

2010-01-03T17:29:00.003-05:00

Certainly some of the gutsiest people in the world today are those taking the streets in Iran to protest President Wackypants and his band of rabid loons, who are perfectly capable of stage-managing mass calls for the execution of those asking Iran to truly join the world at large. Iran's government - who, by the way, have gone so far nuts they forced out a national soccer official for accidentally wishing the Israeli soccer federation a happy new year - have no interest in seriously listening to anything the protestors have to say. According to them, there is no legitimate dissent in their country, there is only what the West is drumming up because they fear the awesomeness that is President Wackypants.

The protesters, led by the guy that quite possibly most Iranians wanted to be their President, are under no illusions about what it is they're facing. There is, of course, an argument to be made that the West can best help by keeping their big yaps shut, but I don't agree. Everyone knows the West stands, at least nominally, with the protestors. The question is do we stand with them enough to make it inconvenient for the government to go Tiananmen Square on the protestors, or are we more interested in Iran pretending to cooperate with us on their nuclear program?

If someone wanted to make a stirring statement of support for Iran's protestors, I'm not sure this could be improved upon...

Iran's protestors..."are not 'insurgents' or 'terrorists' or 'The Enemy.' They are the revolution, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow - and they will win."

It's not an original quote, but I trust the author of the original would appreciate it being reused in a good cause.

Oh, to be young again...

2009-12-16T11:50:00.002-05:00

According to the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator, I should be known as "G-Muscle."

I have family in New Jersey. Odd that they never brought this to my attention.

The Tradition continues...

2009-12-15T22:14:00.002-05:00

Last year...

This year...

Anybody can get their picture taken with flippin' Santa.

What a country!

2009-12-07T14:21:00.005-05:00

Native born Americans, I think, often forget how lucky we are to be Americans, and one way to remember is to see or read about a naturalization ceremony, such as the one that took place on Tampa, FL on Monday, to get an idea of how appreciative our newest Americans are of the chance to be a part of our great nation.

Our newly minted citizens include Ukranian-born Oleg Prudius,known to pro wrestling fans as Russian wrecking machine Vladimir Kozlov.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Kozlov. And, as I'm sure you know from your citizenship studies, the U.S. got its start rebelling against and oppressive and unjust British authority.

Sure, the "Shot heard round the SyFy channel" maybe doesn't have quite the same ring to it, but still...

Twelve Months Later...

2009-12-05T20:20:00.004-05:00

Twelve months ago, I was certain I knew nothing. Now, I'm only mildly certain. I mean, think of where we started out...

Now, he can play the piano...

If the St. Louis Rams think they can play football, I think he can play the piano.

When we first started this gig, I only knew a few ways to fix any problems:

1. Feed baby.
2. Change baby.
3. Burp baby.
4. Walk around holding baby, singing softly to him. ("Hush little baby, don't say a word/and never mind that noise you heard/it's just the beasts under your bed/in your closet, in your head/Exit light/Enter night/take my hand/off to never-never land.")

It's been a year, and I still don't have many more arrows in that quiver. (Xander's puppy helps - but that solution might not work for everyone.)

But I have spent the past year getting to know him, and if you've ever heard me talk, the word I use the most is "amazing." I can just sit there and watch him figure things out forever, or at least until I realize he's figuring out how to get into the cupboard that contains the drain cleaner. I love that he's smart enough to figure out that you're trying to distract him away from the stuff you don't want him to play with - especially when it's my wife trying to distract him.

He's developed a sense of humor - I'm not sure I understand why he thinks stuff is funny, but I get, sort of, what he thinks is funny...

The thing I have learned is that the past year is probably the one whose passing I will regret the most. He's become bigger, smarter, faster, funnier, and generally more amazing every single day. I have become, mostly balder, but also more thankful for this incredible gift I was given one year ago. I'm not one who used to pray regularly - but in the past year I've said one particular prayer at least once every day - sometimes several times. It helps that it's easy to remember - just five words.

Thank you, God, for Xander.

Happy birthday, baby boy.

The Group of Death. Not.

2009-12-04T23:31:00.003-05:00

The U.S. gets a very doable draw in the World Cup. England is tough, of course, but a draw is within the realm of possibility, and Slovenia and Algeria should be wins, which puts the U.S. through to the next round.

Which probably means they'll blow it somehow, but the draw is good.

A tale of two elections...

2009-12-04T22:49:00.002-05:00

Elections around the world interest me. I'm always curious about how people around the world choose the lesser of two evils. Also interesting is the reaction to global elections.

Equatorial Guinea had an "election" recently. I put "election" in quotes because I'm too lazy to go get the picture of Inigo Montoya. "President" Teodor Obiang Nguema got "95%" of the "votes" in a race pretty much everyone in the world recognizes as "bullshit." At least, I presume the world recognizes it as bullshit, as I couldn't find any statements as such. It's not like Equatorial Guinea is unimportant, as it has a boatload of oil. The African Union seems to think the election was generally fair, although in their defense, actual fair elections are not things with which the African Union has a lot of familiarity, what with their theory that Robert Mugabe should be running Zimbabwe and not a prison gang. Neutral observers and foreign media were barred from covering the election, which is usually a good sign that somebody has stolen the thing. But, of course, this mostly speculative, because there has not been much international outrage about the "election" in Equatorial Guinea.

Which brings me to Honduras. International press was all over their recent election, and while plenty of people complained about it, the guy who lost the election accepted the result, which would seem to put Honduras well ahead of Equatorial Guinea. The big problem everyone had was whether the lame duck former President would get to hang out in whatever the Honduran version of the Oval Office for the next couple of months. (Because, remember, the whole reason this started was because said lame duck was accused of trying to illegally extend his term in office, which said lame duck assured us was absolutely not any part of his plan and he had no intention of trying to run things after January.) So...Honduras had an election, everyone agrees the guy who says he got the most votes got the most votes, and the only one with a beef is a guy who would have, at most, two or three weeks in office before the new guy took over.

Seems like Honduras' election merits less complaint than Equatorial Guinea. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Wonder why that is.

Things you should not do.

2009-11-24T15:19:00.002-05:00

1. Tug on Superman's cape.
2. Spit into the wind.
3. Pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
4. Dare the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to "out-stupid" themselves.

The University of Georgia recently bade farewell to mascot UGA VII. PETA responded by suggesting that Georgia's next mascot should be a robot bulldog. (The first comment to the linked post is awesome, and if PETA had thought to include that in their suggestion, they might have found a lot more takers.)

Oh, and you should also not mess around with Jim.

Sometimes, when people tell you "You don't want to know...,"

2009-11-24T10:48:00.004-05:00

...they ain't even a little bit kidding.

Mathew Roberts was adopted, and like many adopted kids, he was curious about his biological parents. So he began an investigation, and found his biological mother, who confirmed her identity, but was hesitant to say much about his biological father.

Why, you ask?

This is why.

Also awesome

2009-11-06T20:38:00.002-05:00

Need Dungeons and Dragons alignments explained to you?

Yes. Yes you do.

Here you go.

This is awesome (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

2009-11-06T10:21:00.002-05:00

Luchador Lawyer answers your questions.

It's the beady little eyes that make them so dangerous

2009-10-29T11:07:00.003-04:00

Man tries to steal ferret by stuffing it down his pants. The best part is, that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is this:

A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face.

That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law. So Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding the animal.

Sounds like a clear case of why we need ferret control, if you ask me.

Geek-tastic!

2009-10-20T12:57:00.000-04:00

Joss Whedon to direct episode of "Glee."

The ratings will suck, of course, but the show'll be good.

Hiding the suck...

2009-10-13T16:33:00.002-04:00

The Washington Redskins will play their first six games against winless teams, an NFL first.

Should they beat the Chiefs this Sunday (coin flip), they'll have only won three of those games.

Justice, Russian Style

2009-10-13T14:38:00.002-04:00

Regarding the lawsuit in a Russian court accusing a newspaper of defaming Stalin, good news came when the court ruled in favor of the newspaper.

The opinion, noted as a rare example of legal brevity, read: "Dude. He's friggin' Stalin."

It wasn't like they mocked his mustache

2009-10-08T14:55:00.003-04:00

Stalin's grandson sues Russian newspaper for libel, claiming the paper "called into question the Soviet dictator's honor and dignity." Rumors that the paper also called into question David Letterman's fidelity were unsubstantiated as of press time.

Which sort of begs the question - how do you libel Stalin? What do you accuse him of doing - feeding Ukranians? Reveling in the give and take of a healthy democratic debate?

Hey, let's get a fresh perspective on this - the perspective of a 10 month old child. Xander, what you think about questioning Stalin's honor and dignity?

"Are you nuts?"

From the mouths of babes...

Song of the day

2009-10-07T09:26:00.001-04:00

Aqua's "Back to the 80's."

Tip - Yglesias.

So that's why my balls always go in the rough...

2009-10-07T09:25:00.004-04:00

Woman arrested after police claim her Craiglist ad for "golf lessons" was actually prostitution.

Police reportedly became suspicious when they learned it actually cost more to play the back nine than the front nine.

You're not St. Peter? Never mind then.

2009-10-07T09:25:00.003-04:00

Guy thinks he's dying. Guy does not want to face his maker without having unburdened his soul, so he confesses to a murder he's been suspected of.

Guy takes turn for the better, and facing judgment of a more earthly nature...you know what...never mind about the whole murder thing.

The whole unburdened soul thing? We'll get to that later.

Much, much later, ideally.

Every single play: Run to the right

2009-10-06T13:16:00.004-04:00

Rush Limbaugh is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams.

If this goes through, it would certainly make Keith Olbermann's segments on Sunday Night Football more entertaining.

Quote of the day

2009-10-05T11:36:00.004-04:00

Found this blog by former pro wrestler Dutch Mantell. If you aren't a wrestling fan, you haven't heard of him. If you are, you still may not have heard of him, or just barely heard of him. He was one of those guys whose prime pre-dates Hulkamania, a solid if unspectacular wrestler who moved from territory to territory, working for different promoters until they ran out of things for him to do, then moving on to the next place.

Anyways, the first couple posts make it look like Dutch's life might make interesting reading, from the road stories in the old days to his stints backstage at the WWE and TNA. In any event - this quote from his first post is your quote of the day:

I've wrestled animals such as bears on chains and off chains. I remember after wrestling the bear, PETA wrote a letter to the promoter saying the animal had been abused. There was nothing in the letter about me, just the bear. Bastards.

I assume PETA's problem was that the bear was asked to do the job.

Reminder - do your civic duty

2009-10-05T11:25:00.004-04:00

A judge who found himself short of jurors for a murder trial sent deputies to a nearby post office to round up people to sit for jury selection.

Customers trying to mail letters or get stamps found themselves drafted into potential jury service. The trial could last two to three weeks.

The defendant is Christopher McCurdy. He is charged with the murder of 60 year old Lonnie Ritter.

Stamps can be purchased online, if you want to spare yourself a trip to the post office.

The plan

2009-09-29T20:39:00.002-04:00

The only explanation that makes sense is all of Roman Polanski's friends in Hollywood got together when he got arrested and said "You know what? Let's confirm every negative stereotype Middle America has ever had of us."

I mean, seriously - did it not occur to anyone that maybe Woody Allen could do more help behind the scenes?

Pretty much all his defenders are getting the facts wrong. A pro-Polanski documentary is frequently cited as the reason why it was OK for him to run or why this one particular fugitive should get what he fled to get, but that documentary is apparently, shall we say, incomplete.

His victim has stated she wishes to have the thing dropped, which, while not dispositive, certainly matters. She's upset, and justifiably so, that people are still talking about this. Of course, the reason this is still going on is because Polanski fled, and continued to live a public life in Europe while a fugitive in the U.S. If one wants to be angry that she has to endure this thirty years after the fact, the proper person to be angry at is Polanski.

Prepare for way too many "Smackdown" puns

2009-09-16T09:39:00.002-04:00

WWE CEO Linda McMahon (Vince's wife) is resigning her position with WWE to run in the GOP primary for Chris Dodd's Connecticut Senate seat.

No word as to whether or not this will be her campaign song.

I presume McMahon won't win - there seems to be a perfectly serviceable Congressman in the race who's actually been outpolling Dodd for awhile now, but McMahon's candidacy means every WWE scandal of the last fifty years is fair game for as long as she's in the race, so it should be fun while it lasts.

And, as a bonus, probably ensure the continued tenure of Dodd in the Senate.

Wait, what?

2009-09-14T15:08:00.004-04:00

Representative from Honduras thrown out of U.N. Human Rights Council meeting.

The issue, apparently, stems from Honduras' ongoing refusal to reinstate President Manuel Zelaya on the flimsy grounds that the Honduran Supreme Court ordered his removal and arrest and this act was supported by members of his own party. Reasonable people can reach differing conclusions as to who should be running Honduras right now. But this little quote caught my eye:

"The Honduran ambassador to the United Nations in Geneva said on Monday he had been ordered out of the U.N. Human Rights Council after other Latin American countries said he represented an "illegal" regime....The dramatic scenes came after Argentina, Brazil, Mexico and Cuba (emphasis added) insisted that Delmer Urbizo, who has served as ambassador in Geneva for the past three years, could not stay unless he was approved by ousted president Manuel Zelaya."

That's right - fricking Cuba is at a U.N. meeting calling someone else's government illegitimate.

I trust the U.S. representative's quote of "Are you %&*#ing kidding me?" was edited out of the article for space reasons.

I have got to change my commute route

2009-09-11T14:53:00.002-04:00

Five actresses from "The Vampire Diaries" arrested for flashing drivers on Georgia's I-75.

The show is shot in and around Atlanta, apparently, so as long as it's on the air, these crazy kids will be hanging out in my neck of the woods.

So, Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time. Write it down. Don't miss it.

If we legalize prostitution, will he shut the @%$#& up?

2009-09-09T16:33:00.003-04:00

Charlie Sheen demands President Obama look into 9/11 coverup.

Reached for comment, former White House czar of some kind Van Jones said "How come I have to resign while this prick gets an Emmy nomination?"

In an attempt to reassure Mr. Jones, he was told that the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences would certainly not reward any celebrity who publicly expressed political views that could be classified as "bugnuts crazy." Sheen will certainly not win an Emmy.

Who will? asked Mr. Jones.

Probably Alec Baldwin, he was told.

Mr. Jones' subsequent response is not suitable for publication on a family friendly website such as this.

Dawn Summers probably forgot to post this.

2009-09-02T16:44:00.002-04:00

Atlanta's Matt Ryan best-looking NFL quarterback. Scientifically determined and everything.

Tom Brady is eighth, ranked slightly ahead of Kurt Warner, who still looks like he cuts his own hair.

Internet crack

2009-08-27T21:05:00.002-04:00

Flickchart is very addictive. It lets you rank your favorite movies by comparing them two randomly selected (I think) at a time, head to head. I'm currently borderline obsessed with trying to get Dr. No out of my top ten, but every time it comes up to rate, it's up against something like Freddy vs. Jason. (Which was fun in a crap sort of way, but let's not go overboard.)

Certain celebrities can be hazardous to your (computer's) health

2009-08-25T10:06:00.003-04:00

Jessica Biel is the "most dangerous celebrity" in that her name is the online search topic most likely to lead you to a computer virus or spyware or other electronic malady.

Of note - coming in fourth, and first among male celebrties, in terms of cyber-risk - is none other than Tom Brady.

So take heed - being a fan of Tom Brady can be dangerous. I point this out because I care.

Also because I'm still bitter.

Mostly the latter.

How not to get into heaven...

2009-08-24T15:26:00.001-04:00

Try explaining this line to St. Peter -

"A Nebraska man who stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he raped..."

Reached for comment, the devil said "Dude - pace yourself."

Awesome person of the day

2009-08-24T10:02:00.003-04:00

Former rap star Roxanne Shante gave up on hip-hop after just a couple albums, and as a young mother with no real way out, seemed destined for a particularly depressing episode of "Behind the Music." But, with a display of foresight that the former members of O-Town can only dream of, she recalled a clause put into her record contract that obligated the record company to fund her entire education bill.

$217,000 of Warner Brothers' money later, she is now Dr. Roxanne Shante, a therapist who funds scholarships for aspiring female rappers.

And, what the heck, let's listen to the song again...

Tip - Volokh

Update - Or not. Apparently the above story is true except for the part where she got a PhD and the part where the label paid for it. But the part where she had a hit song a while back? Totally true.

Summer Slam predictions

2009-08-22T21:58:00.003-04:00

...because this is the sort of thing I can crap out in a hurry.

ECW Title Match - Christian (c) vs. William Regal

Who Should Win: Regal picking up Vladimir Koslov and Ezekiel Jackson as flunkies gives him momentum that should keep going with a win.
Who Will Win: Christian probably retains.
Will it Suck? This will not suck.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Who Should Win: MVP needs to move up to main event level.
Who Will Win: Toss-up. Probably Swagger.
Will it Suck? Also a toss-up. Could be really good, could be five minutes we'll never get back.

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Who Should Win: Kane.
Who Will Win: Khali is a big selling point overseas. He'll take it.
Will it Suck? And how.

Intercontinental Title Match - Rey Misterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Who Should Win: It's now or never for Ziggler.
Who Will Win: Ziggler.
Will it Suck? Misterio's been pretty awesome lately. If Ziggler can keep up, this should be pretty good.

Tag Team Title Match - Chris Jericho/Big Show (c) vs. Cryme Tyme (JTG/Shad Gaspard)
Who Should Win: Jericho & Show are great champs. It's too soon to end their run.
Who Will Win: Jericho & Show, but just barely.
Will It Suck? Jericho can do no wrong, and JTG at least can hold his own. This should be pretty good.

DX (Shawn Michaels/Triple H) vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase)
Who Should Win: Legacy.
Who Will Win: DX.
Will it Suck? If DX lets Legacy be competitive, it will be OK.

WWE Championship - Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena
Who Should Win: Orton.
Who Will Win: Probably Cena, since the heel will probably win the other main event.
Will it Suck: Nothing you haven't seen a thousand times before, but it'll be pretty good.

World Title Match - Tables, Ladders, & Chairs - Jeff Hardy (c) vs. CM Punk
Who Should Win: Punk
Who Will Win: Punk.
Will it Suck? This should contend for Match of the Year.

Awesome crime report of the day

2009-08-21T10:58:00.004-04:00

Party crashers interrupt threeway - brawl erupts.

Was your night that cool?

Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

2009-08-17T11:42:00.002-04:00

Former House Republican leader Tom DeLay is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. If you're a Democrat, this means that former UFC champion Chuck Liddell (this guy) is at most the second scariest person competing. (After Donny Osmond, of course.)

DeLay will probably be the first person out, though. I'll call Mya as the early favorite.

Nothing is more permanent than a temporary government program

2009-08-11T10:15:00.005-04:00

Interesting story from California, about the aftereffects of their recently signed budget deal.

California found themselves compelled to make various budget cuts, which not surprisingly, has upset more than a few people, ranging from well-intentioned folk who honestly believe in the value of the programs cut to tax leeches aghast at the prospect of having to secure real jobs based on their actual value to society. The response - they've sued. There are competing theories about whether the cuts are valid, but it's something that budget hawks and purported fiscal conservatives should probably take note of - getting your bill passed may only be the start of the battle, not the end. (Apparently "I won" only works some of the time. I suppose I could have a problem with this, but the lawyer in me does cheer up a little every time the rest of the country is reminded they need our permission to scratch their butts.)

Stil, this brings to mind a question that should be asked whenever anyone is proposing to create or substantially expand any government program - should we the people change our minds in the future about the merits of this idea, are we allowed to cut its funding, limit its benefits, or eliminate it entirely without the lawyers getting involved? Or are we committing right now to an eternal obligation immune to any changes in the political and fiscal reality?

I'm just saying - if Congress wants to waste $100 million or $100 billion or whatever one time on one bad idea - I won't be enthusiastic about it, but I wouldn't see the need to get too upset about it. Something that will never ever go away is probably something you may want to yell at your Congressman about.

The amazing part was people actually died...

2009-08-10T08:37:00.003-04:00

Saw G.I. Joe over the weekend. On the scale of movies made based on toy lines, actually better than the first Transformers, I think. The battles and effects were awesome, as was pretty much everything involving Snake Eyes and/or Storm Shadow. (Movie making tip - ass-kicking ninjas make everything better. Even Julie & Julia could have benefitted from this advice.)

There are annoying parts of the movie, especially if you read the comic or watched the TV show and come in familiar with the characters - the Baroness' back story being the greatest offender. (Surprisingly - Marlon Wayans is nowhere near as annoying as you think he'd be. My wife actually really liked him.) Also - to help with foreign box office, the Joes are not strictly a U.S. team - Hawk mentions early on that 23 nations are participants. My question is this - how did we get the rest of the world to call this multinational homage to diplomacy "G.I. Joe?" Still, nobody pretends the UN had anything to do with this - because that would have made the film unbelievable.

Good movie. Many things blow up. I smell Oscar.

Good summer movie.

While you were out...

2009-07-18T13:43:00.001-04:00

The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into your house.

Which reminds me, I'm hungry.

The following is not legal advice.

2009-07-15T08:20:00.002-04:00

For legal advice, you should consult an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction and who has experience dealing with your particular issue.

That being said, if you had been arrested for DUI, and you had been taken to the hospital for a blood test, and you weren't sure what to do, I am confident that no attorney anywhere would list "steal an ambulance and take off" as a viable option.

And if he does, you might want to ask to see his law degree.

Of course he is...

2009-07-13T22:11:00.002-04:00

Member of Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigades upset at his portrayal in the movie "Bruno."

I guess they were never going to like it as much as Sex in the City.

For future reference

2009-07-12T17:23:00.002-04:00

I'm going to need the world to slow the heck down during my busier weeks. The whole kid thing has made keeping up harder than usual. So, let's see...what'd I miss?

Sarah Palin's still governor of Alaska, right? She what? OK, didn't see that coming? If she resigned because of the specious attacks on her and her family, then I salute her, but protecting her family from satire and rumors that would violate every known standard of decency if leveled against any other politician's family would require her not to run for President any time in the near future. (Her youngest child is just a year old, after all, unless you think Andrew Sullivan hasn't lost his mind.)

Michael Jackson - While I enjoyed the opportunity to remember the better days, when Jackson put out the best music on the planet, the main thing I took away from his death is this question: Exactly what does a person have to do before Al Sharpton is willing to concede, yeah, he's a little strange?

The whole Honduras thing - It's never a good thing when the military escorts an elected leader out of the country, but when the U.S. weighs in on such matters, they should generally at least make it clear they are aware of the underlying issues. A good way to distinguish yourself from Hugo Chavez is to make the distinctions Chavez is unwilling to acknowledge. A bit of...what's the word...nuance seems to be what is required.

Dear Lord, don't tell me we have a situation that actually calls for John Kerry. On second thought, no, somebody parachute Kerry into Tegucigalpa and tell him not to come back until he's got this whole thing straightened out.

On third thought, Hondurans have enough problems.

The President made his first trip to Africa. Given how much I think he's capable of achieving over there, his speech was, at most a start. But it was a good start, provided he keeps the pressure on. (And starts getting specific and naming names, by which I mean Mugabe.)

Sonia Sotomayor - She's qualified enough, she has no serious ethical issues, and she reflects the President's idea of what a Supreme Court justice would be. The only reason to oppose her would be that I disapprove of the policy views that would likely be advanced by her decisions. If I took this guy seriously, I would feel compelled to oppose her. If that were the bloviating rhetorical flatulence of a self-important windbag unworthy of serious consideration, than she is welcome to her seat on the High Court.

In other news - I believe Dawn Summers is now old enough to run for President.

And, most importantly, Xander is still the cutest baby in the history of the free world.

Seven months old. Who'd a thunk it?

The Awesomeness that is Detroit

2009-06-26T10:34:00.002-04:00

Not too long after the mayor of Detroit pled guilty to obstruction of justice for lying under oath in a civil trial that ultimately cost the city millions, comes word that the President Pro Temp of the City Council, Monica Conyers, has just pled guilty to conspiracy to commit bribery and faces up to five years in prison.

Monica Conyers is the wife of John Conyers, the chair of the House Judiciary Committee.

Man, I miss Detroit.

President. It's a hard job.

2009-06-25T12:43:00.003-04:00

Do one thing, half the country gets ticked off at you.

Do something else, and feel the wrath of the other half.

Long hours, blamed for everything and credited for nothing, and the weight of knowing an entire country's safety and prosperity hinge upon the wisdom of your acts.

Oh, and sometimes a monkey pees on you.

If you do a good job, though, history might edit that part out.

A note to people who are not pro wrestling fans

2009-06-20T00:24:00.003-04:00

You know how you think wrestling is so ridiculously, obviously "fake" and you can't understand how any but the simplest of rubes could allow themselves to enjoy it?

Why do I bring this up?

Read about how this week's WWE Monday Night Raw featured Vince McMahon "selling" RAW to Donald Trump. I put "selling" in quotes because this was just a wrestling storyline - no more real than Edge being married to Vickie Guerrero, Tommy Dreamer's career depending on him winning the ECW title, or Tyson Kidd not thinking he has the dumbest haircut on planet earth.

I point this out, because, apparently - I have to - WWE stock dropped 7% on the "news" that Donald Trump had purchased RAW, forcing the WWE to actually issue a statement reassuring the financial sector that they had not, in fact, sold their flagship show to Donald Trump.

The thing is - of the thousands of fans in attendance on Monday, the number who thought Donald Trump had actually bought RAW was roughly zero.

It's not like these folks don't allow themselves to be fooled. I'd wager at least half of them honestly think they'd have a shot at Michelle McCool if they were ever in the same room together. But no wrestling fan - not even the ones who see John Cena's movies in the theater - thought Donald Trump was buying RAW.

Just saying.

Hysterical.

2009-06-12T12:56:00.002-04:00

This blog has some funny stuff.

Jonah Goldberg caught one particularly funny post.

Because Atlanta traffic isn't bad enough...

2009-06-08T15:42:00.003-04:00

Airplane makes emergency landing on Cobb County highway.

He was immediately flipped off and cursed at by several drivers upset at his failure to go more than 20 mph over the posted speed limit.

Twenty Years Ago

2009-06-03T21:39:00.002-04:00

In China, discussion of what happened is dangerous - anyone suspected of intending to speak out is being harassed by the police. The goal of the Chinese government is a generation that has no idea of what occurred - after all, you don't have to answer for anything if no one knows to ask the questions.

Years ago, dissidents in the Soviet bloc took heart at the uncompromising words of an American President. Today, the Secretary of State (who once assured China that human rights were less important than economic concerns) is encouraging China to provide a public accounting of what happened in June of 1989. Meanwhile, a President with a gift for uplifting rhetoric that could rival Reagan's prepares to give a speech in a part of the world held by undemocratic rulers that will be discussed around the world.

One way or another, dissidents will be informed what the American President says on this day. Here's hoping they can take heart.

Facebook: It's dangerous

2009-05-29T11:49:00.002-04:00

And not just because of unpleasant surprise answers to Facebook quizzes.

It can also start fights.

So be careful out there.

Arkansas - the Florida of American Idol

2009-05-27T22:49:00.002-04:00

Because when you factor in the screen time each contestant got, as well as the production and pimping from the judges and various celebrities on the show, you have to conclude the fix was in...

...for Kris Allen.

California Same-sex marriage decision out.

2009-05-26T13:08:00.002-04:00

It can be read here.

Proposition 8 is found to be constitutional. It does not apply retroactively, which means nobody married under the old rules is unmarried.

Because Illinois politics doesn't have enough drama...

2009-05-20T15:53:00.001-04:00

The Kennedys are coming!

It's back!

2009-05-18T10:54:00.002-04:00

Chuck has been renewed for a third season.

One debate settled

2009-05-15T11:15:00.001-04:00

Regarding the whole "Sam" vs. "Dean" thing, I think the one who didn't doom humanity has a fairly insurmountable lead at this point.

Define victory...

2009-05-11T21:21:00.002-04:00

I suppose one could argue that the release of journalist Roxana Saberi is a victory for President Obama's kinder, gentler diplomacy. After all, she wasn't held for very long, as Iran-related hostage crises go, and she was freed without violence, threat of violence, or even too much bellicosity. It begs the question of whether or not Iran would have thought they could get away with such a thing prior to our new humility, but that would just be speculation.

The cost? There's a little bit of having to pretend this was an actual legal decision, rather than Iran making a political decision to seize Saberi, followed by the political decision to release her. (Iran still has yet to explain how they got from arresting Saberi for illegally buying alcohol to deciding she was a spy. After all, if illegal possession of alcohol actually was a precursor to treason, Keith Olbermann would already be on record insisting on a life sentence for Jenna Bush.)

The real theater to watch to see if this really is a diplomatic victory is North Korea, who also seized some American journalists recently, claiming them to be spies. North Korea and Iran have a recent history of cooperation, so North Korea is no doubt paying close attention - the clearest indicator that Saberi's freedom represents a victory for the President policies on engagement would be the swift release of Euna Lee and Laura Ling.

Failing to earn their freedom wouldn't necessarily mean failure - after all, North Korea's rulers are several orders of magnitude crazier than even President Wackypants, but if Iran believes their seizure of Saberi strengthened their position in any way (by allowing them to appear "moderate" by freeing her, by chilling dissent among domestic journalists who don't have Saberi's connection to the U.S., or whatever), then North Korea won't move until they get something even better.

My baby is an awesome baby

2009-05-05T19:40:00.002-04:00

Know how I know?

Well, one reason - this is his favorite song.

Is there anything cuter than a baby enjoying a gentle lullaby?

This post is dedicated to Dawn Summers.

2009-05-04T15:09:00.002-04:00

How good is Tom Brady?

Well, in terms of how much money people are willing to pay him to play football, he's apparently somewhat less good than a guy who has yet to throw his first NFL pass.

But he still has his beautiful bride to go home to. Unless she thinks she deserves better than a second-tier QB, of course. But I'm sure she mostly loves him as a person.

By "Super Soldier Serum" they mean "weed"

2009-04-28T20:08:00.003-04:00

Matthew McConaughey a leading contender to star in the Captain America movie.

Awesome person of the day

2009-04-28T19:44:00.003-04:00

No, it's not Arlen Specter.

When a Queens, NY elementary school lost its music teacher, and couldn't find a replacement, it seemed the students would be without a music program until Paul Sheriff stepped up, recruited several interested students, and founded and led the school band ever since.

Paul Sheriff is an eleven year old sixth grade student at the school.

I kind of almost hope "Chuck" doesn't come back now...

2009-04-28T19:41:00.002-04:00

The whole point of the show was Chuck, the accidental secret agent who survived through sheer dumb luck. If he's a ninja now, the show is much less interesting.

Still a better idea than remaking "Melrose Place," but not by as much.

Grindhouse lives!

2009-04-24T16:04:00.001-04:00

Robert Rodriguez to make the "Machete" movie seen in the trailers of Grindhouse.

It is with great appreciation...

2009-04-23T16:53:00.003-04:00

...that I pass on this monument to failure that is the great talentless load Jimmy Fallon, whom I despise very much. So, so very much.

Tip - Steve Silver.

Expert advice

2009-04-22T11:37:00.001-04:00

Mike Tyson weighs in on the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation.

Immediately afterwards, Jay Cutler announced a seminar on the importance of maturity in professional atheletes.

Things I'm pretty sure are not possible

2009-04-20T09:30:00.002-04:00

1. Time travel
2. Me feeling any sympathy for the guy in the movie "Obsessed." I don't care how crazy either of them are, if your "problem" is Beyonce and Ali Larter fighting over who gets to have sex with you, you have no problems.
3. A comprehensive two-state solution between the Israelis and Palestinians, so long as Hamas and others cling to the dream of exterminating Israel completely.
4. A TV show sucking harder than "Sit Down and Shut Up." You can see better comedy writing in the results for a Youtube search for "getting hit in the nuts."

With hard work, a couple of those may turn out to be possible in the future. Just not now.

Awesome Person of the Day

2009-04-15T21:34:00.002-04:00

Today's Awesome Person of the Day is Don Smith, aka "Caveman", who regularly hangs out at a Quik Thrift Convenience Store. Which is where he was when a man tried to rob the place, threatening the clerk with a knife.

Caveman objected, by which I meanhe laid into the robber with a metal stepladder, running the punk off.

You can see the security video here.

Of course he does

2009-04-15T21:31:00.002-04:00

Rod Blagojevich wants to modify his bail to allow him to appear on reality show "I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!"

Remember, any politician from Illinois who wants you to listen to them had an opportunity to support or oppose this tool when he ran for Governor - twice.

Charity begins at home(s)

2009-04-10T13:08:00.002-04:00

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is a very wealthy man who own several houses throughout Italy. This gives him an opportunity to help out in the aftermath of Italy's recent earthquake, by opening his homes to people displaced by the earthquake.

I just want it noted that America could have had a guy in charge like that, but no, everybody had to make fun of him instead.

Which means that if America ever suffers a disaster like this, instead of getting to recover in well-furbished luxury homes, we'll get Tony Rezko's phone number and hope he can hook us up with something that actually has running water.

Wrestlemania XXV Preview

2009-04-03T19:58:00.002-04:00

Wrestlemania + the Final Four: Am I seriously expected to mow the lawn and pick up the dry cleaning this weekend?

(Answer: Yes. Yes I am.)

Anyways - the card doesn't look as epic as it maybe could have been, but it has its moments. Predictions are as follows:

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat, featuring Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke.
Who Should Win: Oh, since it's 5 on 1, go ahead and let the old guys win it.
Who Will Win: Piper will pin Jericho after Mickey Rourke hits him with whatever Randy the Ram's big move was.
Will It Suck? Yeah, but hopefully they'll keep it short.

25 Diva Battle Royal
Who Should Win: Beth Phoenix. Michelle McCool would also be acceptable.
Who Will Win: Probably the returning Gail Kim.
Will It Suck? Again, yes, but it'll be as quick as it can be, and Santino Marella will probably do something funny. The big disappointment was after teasing returns of big names like Wendi Richter and Lita, we're going to get instead Nidia and Jackie Gayda. (Although they could still be holding out Trish Stratus as a surprise.)

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Mark Henry vs. Kane vs. Kofi Kingston
Who Should Win: Say it with me now: SHELTON BENJAMIN!
Who Will Win: Odds on favorite seems to be Christian.
Will It Suck? Nope. Online whining about Mark Henry and Kane's involvement notwithstanding, this will be good as always, and having a couple big guys involved to toss folks around will help the overall match.

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker
Who Should Win: Undertaker
Who Will Win: Undertaker
Will It Suck? Could very well be the match of the night. Won't suck even a little bit.

Interesting tidbit. To get an idea of how impressive Taker's 16-0 WM streak is, the second longest undefeated streak at Wrestlemania is Rob Van Dam, at 4-0. Right behind him are the Legion of Doom (Hawk & Animal), Demolition Ax (Smash lost a couple times after switching ID's), and Sable.

Unified Tag Team Title Lumberjack Match - Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & John Morrison vs. Carlito & Primo Colon
Who Should Win: I'd rather see the Colons take it.
Who Will Win: Probably Miz & Morrison.
Will It Suck? It won't suck, and if outside interference is kept to a minimum and they get at least 12-15 minutes, this could steal the show.

Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy
Who Should Win: If the feud is going to run awhile, Matt should win the opening salvo.
Who Will Win: Probably Matt
Will It Suck: This is your other contender for match of the night. Matt & Jeff have been preparing for this match their whole lives.

Intercontinental Title Match: JBL (c) vs. Rey Misterio
Who Should Win: Misterio should win as JBL returns to the broadcast booth.
Who Will Win: Misterio
Will It Suck? No.

World Title Match: Edge (c) vs. John Cena vs. Big Show
Who Should Win: Edge, especially if Christian wins MitB.
Who Will Win: I think Edge will probably retain.
Will It Suck: No.

WWE Title Match: Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
Who Should Win: While the good guy should usually win to close WM, setting up Orton as a dominant heel champion would be the better move.
Who Will Win: I think Orton takes it.
Will It Suck: No.

As for the Final Four - North Carolina over Michigan State.

Only 33

2009-03-31T20:22:00.003-04:00

Andy Hallett, aka "Lorne" from Angel, dies of heart failure.

He did the best demon version of "Lady Marmalade" ever.

Why the hell not?

2009-03-30T20:46:00.002-04:00

A member of a cult entered a guilty plea in connection with the death of her child, with an unusual condition - the plea will be withdrawn if the child is resurrected.

Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson wondered about resurrecting his movie career...

I don't care if it makes you feel better...

2009-03-30T15:36:00.001-04:00

Guy gets ticket, and decides he wants to pay under protest or something, so before he mails in his fine, he decides to...personalize things a bit.

This presumes he was really ticked off at someone in the clerk's office, since obviously the police officer who wrote him the ticket was never going to see his little protest. That, or he's an idiot.

Whichever.

Tip - Corner

All you need is the headline...

2009-03-28T21:59:00.002-04:00

Shamwow pitchman arrested for punching prostitute.

It's not quite "Ron Popeil found with dead hooker in trunk," but it's pretty good.

Why are our prisons full?

2009-03-28T16:46:00.002-04:00

As I believe I have said before, our prisons are not full because America suffers from any unreasonably high levels of crime.

Our prisons are full because criminals are morons.

Case in point - the guy who thought it would be a good idea to commit an armed robbery...at a hotel hosting a police officers' convention.

The best part of the story - this quote from the accused robber:

When a reporter asked Blanchett for comment as he was led out of court, he said, "I'm smooth."

Smooth?

Inigo?

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Unless you think it means "Dumber than a bag of hammers."

Awesome person of the day

2009-03-24T14:48:00.002-04:00

In Thailand, an autistic child, stuck on a third floor balcony, refuses to move for teachers and firemen trying to rescue him.

Sonchai Yoosabai hears the child is fond of superheroes, goes back to the fire station, where he keeps a Spider-Man costume. Returning the scene as Spider-Man, he is able to rescue the little boy.

He says he uses the costume to liven up fire drills. I don't care why he has a Spider-Man costume in his firehouse, all I know is I want every U.S. firehouse to have a Spider-Man costume by 2011. Someone get President Bailout on that, pronto. (If gender equity regulations require a Spider-Woman costume as well, this is permissible, provided they use the Julia Carpenter version of the costume, as it is cooler than the Jessica Drew version.)

Special

2009-03-20T21:29:00.001-04:00

Barack Obama - My bowling is like the Special Olympics!

Special Olympics bowler with five perfect games to his credit: You wish.

And the truth shall set you free...

2009-03-20T14:11:00.003-04:00

Trying to B.S. your way out of a speeding ticket doesn't really count as lying, right? When you add the fine, plus what happens to your insurance once the points go on your record, it's really expensive, and everyone can understand shading the truth a bit. Besides, speeding laws aren't really about public safety, no matter what anyone says, they're about getting money, right? Since it's all just a game, what's wrong with playing to win? Plus, everyone does it, right?

Also, it's a fairly low risk endeavor. Even if everyone's pretty sure you're lying, they probably won't be able to prove it, right? And even if they do, what's the worst that could happen?

A judge in Australia took a shot at it, claiming someone else was driving his car when it was clocked speeding by a traffic camera. He told that story in court under oath, and it worked, saving him a $77 fine and three points on his license. Then somebody went digging, and found out the person he claimed was really driving his car had died three years earlier, setting in motion a chain of events that led the judge to plead guilty to perjury.

The judge spent his sentencing hearing presenting evidence about his good works as a judge and human rights official and how he would suffer in prison.

The prosecution quoted him directly:

"To tell a deliberate lie or a series of lies which has these consequences is at best arrogant, and at worst a complete rejection of law and order," he quoted the former Queen's Counsel.

He was sentenced to three years in prison, to serve a minimum of two.

On the plus side, he may still have a clean driving record.

There are jobs to be had. You just have to go get them.

2009-03-20T13:02:00.001-04:00

People are hiring. In fact, there are employers who need good workers so badly they're holding job fairs to try and attract new employees.

Employers like the Foxy Lady strip club in Providence, RI.

Good help is always hard to find, even in trying economic times.

Alternative Dispute Resolution

2009-03-19T17:02:00.002-04:00

Dallas high school reportedly allowed students to settle disputes with cage fights.

Administrators denied the report, saying that they would never taint the good name of Rampage Jackson High School with such antics.