Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Write him back, Mr. President...
Per the Corner, the text of the letter the Iranian President sent to George Bush is here. I know Condoleeza Rice has already said the letter adds nothing of substance, but still, politeness merits a reply. If I may suggest a modest response:
Dear Mr. Ahma...Ahmending...look, your name's hard to spell and I'm known for giving people nicknames, so I'll just call you "President Wackypants."
Dear President Wackypants:
Thank you for your letter. I didn't read it (presidents of real countries don't have to read their own mail), but some egghead in a suit gave me the gist, and I think I can address your concerns.
First off, brief is better. It ain't like you're writing Al Gore here. From what I've been told by the egghead, your letter has two basic points:
1. Israel sucks.
2. So do I.
Oh, and don't feel bad about the second point. Goes with the job, right? As you well know, being the head of a country means people are allowed to criticize the job you're doing.
Oh, that's right. You don't know. My bad.
On the Israel thing, according to your letter, there was no reason for a Jewish state to exist in the Middle East before World Wars I & II. Dude, even I know the history there. I hate to bring it up, because I know how bad folks get teased when they get schooled by yours truly. It used to sting at first, but hey, even I gotta admit, I was never big on the book learning. (You should totally talk to John Kerry sometime - he got a ton of crap when word got out I got better grades than he did. Which really wasn't fair, because he's a bright guy and all, and grades aren't really the best way to measure...oh, wait, I'm talking to a teacher - you're not going to have my back on the grade thing, are you?)
You also ask - "Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime?" If I could just suggest - maybe the problem is the only real technological advancement that's come out of your neck of the woods in recent years is the suicide bomb belt, which was kind of developed specifically to be a threat to the "Zionist regime" and you so delicately put it. If I could suggest, maybe y'all should put some scientists to work curing cancer or something. Don't succumb to the soft bigotry of low expectations - anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Trust me, I know - I won two Presidential elections despite a fifth-grade command of the English language.
Look, I'm starting to violate my own rule about the brevity thing, so I'll wrap it up. I'd like to say I found something we can agree on, when you said:
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Heh heh. I love that movie. You should see it. It doesn't have any naked chicks (good movie anyway), so it should pass muster with your decency police or whatever. (I got a filter that keeps me from seeing naked chicks in a movie too - my wife. Heh heh.)
Lastly, you'll probably be getting a call from the UN shortly about the whole nuke thing. I'm the last guy to tell anyone to take those yahoos seriously, (and come to think of it, you don't need me to tell you not to), but they like to feel important and useful, and it would really smooth things along if you'd let them. If not, hey, there's a plan B. It's not a plan in the sense that we've thought the whole thing out, but the part about you's good to go. Anyway, your call on that one.
Sincerely,
G. Dub.
All you have to do is sign it, Mr. President.
Dear Mr. Ahma...Ahmending...look, your name's hard to spell and I'm known for giving people nicknames, so I'll just call you "President Wackypants."
Dear President Wackypants:
Thank you for your letter. I didn't read it (presidents of real countries don't have to read their own mail), but some egghead in a suit gave me the gist, and I think I can address your concerns.
First off, brief is better. It ain't like you're writing Al Gore here. From what I've been told by the egghead, your letter has two basic points:
1. Israel sucks.
2. So do I.
Oh, and don't feel bad about the second point. Goes with the job, right? As you well know, being the head of a country means people are allowed to criticize the job you're doing.
Oh, that's right. You don't know. My bad.
On the Israel thing, according to your letter, there was no reason for a Jewish state to exist in the Middle East before World Wars I & II. Dude, even I know the history there. I hate to bring it up, because I know how bad folks get teased when they get schooled by yours truly. It used to sting at first, but hey, even I gotta admit, I was never big on the book learning. (You should totally talk to John Kerry sometime - he got a ton of crap when word got out I got better grades than he did. Which really wasn't fair, because he's a bright guy and all, and grades aren't really the best way to measure...oh, wait, I'm talking to a teacher - you're not going to have my back on the grade thing, are you?)
You also ask - "Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime?" If I could just suggest - maybe the problem is the only real technological advancement that's come out of your neck of the woods in recent years is the suicide bomb belt, which was kind of developed specifically to be a threat to the "Zionist regime" and you so delicately put it. If I could suggest, maybe y'all should put some scientists to work curing cancer or something. Don't succumb to the soft bigotry of low expectations - anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Trust me, I know - I won two Presidential elections despite a fifth-grade command of the English language.
Look, I'm starting to violate my own rule about the brevity thing, so I'll wrap it up. I'd like to say I found something we can agree on, when you said:
History tells us that repressive and cruel governments do not survive. God has entrusted The fate of man to them.Then I realized, you're probably working off a different definition of "repressive and cruel" than the one we're used to over here. Actually reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite movies.
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Heh heh. I love that movie. You should see it. It doesn't have any naked chicks (good movie anyway), so it should pass muster with your decency police or whatever. (I got a filter that keeps me from seeing naked chicks in a movie too - my wife. Heh heh.)
Lastly, you'll probably be getting a call from the UN shortly about the whole nuke thing. I'm the last guy to tell anyone to take those yahoos seriously, (and come to think of it, you don't need me to tell you not to), but they like to feel important and useful, and it would really smooth things along if you'd let them. If not, hey, there's a plan B. It's not a plan in the sense that we've thought the whole thing out, but the part about you's good to go. Anyway, your call on that one.
Sincerely,
G. Dub.
All you have to do is sign it, Mr. President.
